Some jokes coz im bored

Brokeback Garden

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked"They're mating," her father replied."What do you call the spider on top?" she asked."That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered."So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question hereplied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment then tookher foot and stomped them flat and said, "Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in our garden."

Sex Communication

Two deaf people get married and during the first week ofmarriage they find that they are unable to communicate in thebedroom with the lights out since they can't see each othersigning, or lips to lip-read.After several nights of fumbling around and manymisunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution."Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? Forinstance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach overand squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to havesex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times."The husband thinks this is a great idea. He suggests to hiswife if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on hispenis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penistwo hundred and fifty times.

The Question

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?"The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"The boy replied, "Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but Realistically, we're living with two hookers and a homo."

Plastic Surgery

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself." "The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago." "And what about the third rose?" she asked. "That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."


Country Girls are so Smart

There were three gals who were getting married and all met at the marriage counselor's
office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away.

There were two city gals and one farm gal.

The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to
wait awhile. They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands
and all agreed to wait awhile.

Well the counselor asked the first gal what type of birth control she planned to use. Her
answer was, the rhythm method. That will work said the counselor if you keep a good record.

He asked the second gal what system she planned on using. I plan on using birth control pills
she said. Again he said, yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them.

He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was the pail
and saucer method. After a short delay, he again told her that should also work.

He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things
were going.

They all met again one year later and the two city gals were pregnant. Only the farm gal was
slim and trim yet.

Well the counselor asked the first gal what method she used and what went wrong. She
replied that she used the rhythm method but somehow got her notes mixed up and, well here
I am, going to have a baby.

He asked the second city gal what method she used and she replied, the birth control pill
but we were camping and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going
to have a baby.

He turns to the farm gal and told her that I vaguely remember you were going to use the pail
and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the pail and saucer method is.
Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you.

She replied, Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband,
he stands on a pail turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when
his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the pail out from under him.

Get Serious

In the nursing home one evening, the old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting. For $5, I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."The old lady looked surprised, but didn't say a word. The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."The old lady still said nothing, but after a couple minutes, she started digging down in her purse. She pulled out a wrinkled $20 bill and held it up."So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," said the old man."Get serious," she replied. "Four times in the rocking chair".

A true story

A true story about a fly, a fish, a bear, a hunter, a mouse and a cat.
There is a moral to this story, but not exactly the one most of us are expecting!
In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake.
The hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh...if I go down three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."
There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him."
There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches that fish will jump for the fly...and I will grab him!"
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich....
"Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish leaps for it...that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."
Now, you probably think this is enough activity on one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there's more....
A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish...the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, (as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time)' "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches..and that fish jumps for that fly ... and that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter shoots that bear...and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich ... then I can have mouse for lunch."
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water.
The fish swallows the fly... The bear grabs the fish... The hunter shoots the bear.. The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich... The cat jumps for the mouse.. The mouse ducks...The cat falls into the water and drowns.
The moral of the story is:
Whenever a fly goes down three inches, some pussy is in serious danger